Dave Hayden proudly served in the British Armed Forces for almost a quarter of a century, most of it in combat zones. He loved his career but what he witnessed on the frontline eventually pushed him to the brink, and beyond.
After attempting suicide, Dave is now rebuilding his shattered world thanks to a collaboration between golf charity On Course and the Veterans’ Foundation. This is Dave’s story…
Sgt Dave Hayden MC served with the RAF for 24 years. He loved the uniform.
For 17 of those years he was deployed in kinetic war zones including Afghanistan and Iraq. But his experiences of service on the front line eventually took its toll and he was discharged with PTSD.
After leaving the RAF Dave’s life spiralled out of control. He lost his family, found himself homeless, and attempted to take his own life.
“There are points in my career when if you could have it back in a heartbeat, you would. It made sense. Cut me in half and red, white and blue pours out.
“I feel lucky to have served in as many conflicts, but when it comes to the stuff that’s added on… that’s difficult.
“You don’t expect to be exposed to open wounds with bones hanging out. And trying to put a plasma bag into a bloke who’s lying on the deck of a Chinook. I wasn’t a medic. All I was force protection but you end up getting in amongst it.
“When you’ve got six or seven casualties on the back because you’ve just had a massive TIC (troops in contact) what do you do?
“You have to do everything you can, everyone’s got to come home. You can’t leave them.
“I’m getting better with it and hopefully in time it will become a memory that I don’t have to think about any more. But it’s that strong because it was my life. The military was my life.”
On the evening of August 7, 2007, Dave, a corporal at the time, was part of No1 squadron RAF Regiment that was sent to the village of Al Waki, north of Basra airport. The airport had been under rocket attack and the squadron were tasked with a hearts and minds mission.
A firefight broke out and the squadron was ambushed.
With one man already injured, Dave was forced to take action when leading aircraftsman Martin Beard was also hit.
“I remember doing a head check at which point I heard :‘Beardy’s been hit, Dave’.
“He was in a kneeling position with his LMG and I swear to god he was alive. In my head, and what I was seeing, he was alive.
“It was my golden hour; it was when I needed to get him away. I wasn’t interested in anything else but to get Beardy on that helicopter.
“I picked him up, loaded him on my shoulders and I went. I remember dropping him off and I turned around and none of the other lads had followed. And I just said: “I’ll get them’. And again I was off 200 metres.”
Despite Dave’s efforts Martin died of his injuries. He was just 20.
Martin was the fourth man from the squadron to die during that tour.
Dave was awarded a Military Cross For Gallantry for his courage that day – it was the only Military Cross to be awarded to the RAF in the entire campaign.
“I just tried to do the best I could, I’m no hero. He had come to me as a 19-year-old boy, did I fail him? It’s that survivor’s guilt.
“I wish it had never happened. I wish I had never got that medal. You’re on a pedestal, to be that guy, but I was just me. I’m thankful that it keeps Martin’s memory alive as when anyone talks about the MC it’s Martin and that’s the way it should be. It’s a reminder of Martin, nothing else.
“I don’t think people get what goes through veterans’ heads when they’ve been subjected to 17 years of conflict.
“World war – it was horrendous, it was terrible, so many lost their lives, but it didn’t last 17 years. You left a war zone on a Friday and on the Saturday you’re in a living room with your wife and kids trying to make sense of it all.”
Leaving service was difficult for Dave, he was stuck in a no-man’s land between being a military man and a civilian because ‘in the military its black and white but in civilian life there’s so much ambiguity.’
“For me it’s all about yourself in civvy street and I’m not wired that way. It was too much. I necked half a bottle of sleeping tablets and woke up in a mental institution two days later.
“I felt like I’d been stood on by an elephant as they’d had the paddles on my chest.”
After his suicide attempt Dave was taken to the personnel recovery centre in Catterick.
As a capable golfer he was referred to On Course Foundation.
It was a moment that was the turning point of his life
He secured a place on the Caddie School for Soldiers program.
And he became a caddie with a paid role at Dumbarne Links in Fife.
“Golf has given the purpose that I had lost. I love being a caddie. When you’re on the golf course nothing else matters apart from that little white ball. It’s weird.
“I’ve got that hunger to be the best I can be again, it’s completely changed my outlook on life. I want to be here for as long as possible now.
“It’s about achieving again in a role and a job like in the military. I’ve now got that mindset back.
“It gives you that sense of belonging and I’ve now got such a network of people who I can pick up the phone and cry to, I can shout at, I can joke with. It helps in ways you wouldn’t believe.
“If it wasn’t for On Course I wouldn’t be here now. Without a shadow of doubt. I don’t even have to think about it.
“I live in a homeless shelter, lost my family, but what the last few years have told me is that I’m not ready to go yet. I’m here for something, maybe that’s in the golf industry.
“I hope at some point in the future that people from my past can be in my life again.”
“I’d like to say a big thank you to the Veterans’ Foundation that has provided financial help to On Course so the team can continue its work. You’re a lifeline.
“To the people who support the Veterans’ Foundation and are part of their community – I wish there were more people like you.
“Please keep on helping because what you do is colossal. It is changing lives and saving lives.”
